Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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