If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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