I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
