you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
