Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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