oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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