I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
