Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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