Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
