dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize