Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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