he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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