so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
