This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
