I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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