I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
