I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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