my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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