Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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