im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
