i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
