i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
