I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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