I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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