This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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