My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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