so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
