he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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