tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
