That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
