I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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