I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
