You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
