Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
