So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
