We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
