My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize