The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
