my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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