i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
