Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
