did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize