4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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