My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
