The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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