Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
