The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We are all done wearing pants today
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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