I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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