why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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