Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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