BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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