there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
