very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
