This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
