I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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