Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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