You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
