My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
