I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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