and you said cock pushups were impossible
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize