That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
